Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Putting It in Writing

A while back, I considered doing a little healing exercise. I wanted to write letters to all the people who have caused me pain. A kind of cleansing for my mind. At any given time I can find myself reliving a traumatic experience. I think its partly because, either I have internalized the magnitude of emotion that is the result of my pain, or I have voiced said pain to the person who has caused it and they have refused to take ownership of their part and/or fully comprehend the affects of their actions.

Last week, I was having one of those days, and I just had to write. I didn't blog it, or take pen to paper, but rather crafted what I was feeling into an informal typed letter. To Emma's dad. I started at the very beginning. From when we first met, and carried the letter throughout the progression of our "relationship", up until the time of my [last] rape. I just put it all in words, and asked questions that I've wanted to ask. Mainly the whys. I printed the letter, folded it, and tucked it away in my purse, awaiting his next sexual advance. I wanted to turn to him, letter in hand, and tell him that the answer to his advance was in the letter. When I dropped Emma off for her overnight stay, there was a missed opportunity. He did make a sexual advance, to which I brushed off instead of handing over the letter. I clammed up. I was too nervous to hand it over. I wanted to re-read it first.

It can be a scary process, especially when you decide that you want to actually deliver the letter to the person who has hurt you. After all, there is a reason that you were not able to come right out and say everything that you had to write down in the first place. It must be done though. If I continue to carry this letter around with me, its no different than what I am carrying around with me mentally. So, the next time I see him, I'll be handing over the letter. I don't know what his reaction will be. I do not expect to get the answers to the whys. However, at least he will be forced to hear me.

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