31 Days of Reflection

33 posts in 31 days. Not bad. Not that I was necessarily trying to set a record, but rather attempting to dedicate a little time to myself within this space. Mission accomplished. I've managed to stop in here, if not once a day, multiple times a day to unload my mind - to reflect on the day's events. Its been a pretty eventful August. I made some decisions, and got some results. I'm keeping with that. I'm still on the grind, still hustlin' - side and otherwise.

Putting It in Writing

A while back, I considered doing a little healing exercise. I wanted to write letters to all the people who have caused me pain. A kind of cleansing for my mind. At any given time I can find myself reliving a traumatic experience. I think its partly because, either I have internalized the magnitude of emotion that is the result of my pain, or I have voiced said pain to the person who has caused it and they have refused to take ownership of their part and/or fully comprehend the affects of their actions.

Last week, I was having one of those days, and I just had to write. I didn't blog it, or take pen to paper, but rather crafted what I was feeling into an informal typed letter. To Emma's dad. I started at the very beginning. From when we first met, and carried the letter throughout the progression of our "relationship", up until the time of my [last] rape. I just put it all in words, and asked questions that I've wanted to ask. Mainly the whys. I printed the letter, folded it, and tucked it away in my purse, awaiting his next sexual advance. I wanted to turn to him, letter in hand, and tell him that the answer to his advance was in the letter. When I dropped Emma off for her overnight stay, there was a missed opportunity. He did make a sexual advance, to which I brushed off instead of handing over the letter. I clammed up. I was too nervous to hand it over. I wanted to re-read it first.

It can be a scary process, especially when you decide that you want to actually deliver the letter to the person who has hurt you. After all, there is a reason that you were not able to come right out and say everything that you had to write down in the first place. It must be done though. If I continue to carry this letter around with me, its no different than what I am carrying around with me mentally. So, the next time I see him, I'll be handing over the letter. I don't know what his reaction will be. I do not expect to get the answers to the whys. However, at least he will be forced to hear me.

All in the Family

Hello.

My name is Barbara.

And I am the mother of a child who has an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder called Dermatophagia, better known as compulsive skin biting. It pretty much operates in the same way as Dermatillomania, except that there is biting instead of picking. I think I first noticed this condition in Emma when she entered grade school. During a bath time inspection, I noticed that her fingers were not only wrinkled from her time in the water, but they were... well... they had a lot of white skin. Her fingertips were so bitten up that I feared she didn't even have finger prints anymore! I was concerned. Not even considering my own picking habits, I thought maybe she'd started biting because she had recently lost a friend to a car accident. I took her in to see her doctor, who didn't make a huge deal out of it. Upon examination, she found Emma to be very well adjusted and happy. Not even needing to talk with a counselor. She suggested that I give Emma her own personal hand lotion or Vaseline to keep her hands well moisturized to discourage the urge to remove any dry skin.

I supplied her with a small container of Vasaline, asked her teacher to keep a lookout, and I would try to redirect her when I noticed her biting. These days her thumbs have the most visible damage. Her hands no longer have to be wet to tell that she bites them. I am still redirecting her when I catch her with her fingers to her mouth. I ask her why she does it and she doesn't know, nor does she feel that she can stop doing it. After researching both skin picking and skin biting, I can't really figure out why her doctor wouldn't use the term Dermatophagia, or give me the heads up that this biting behavior actually isn't as out of the ordinary as I first thought. What she did say is that I shouldn't pursue any kind of therapy for her biting, that moisturization would stop it. I call bullshit. She is still biting.

I do not see any harm in finding a therapist for Emma to talk to. It does not have to be viewed as "therapy" and it does not have to be consistant, but could be introduced as just another set of ears to hear her stories and experiences and an extra set of hands for her to play with. This school year I will try to get her on the list to meet with the school counselor, I was unsuccessful when I first attempted. If that is not an option I will further research and find someone myself. I hate feeling like I was not given all the facts. This is my baby we are talking about. She clearly has an impulse control issue, and I clearly need help helping her regain control. I wont overlook the fact that her doctor may not have experience with skin biters, but I don't think she should have overlooked the possibility that there could have been an underlying cause for her biting.

Although I don't find comfort in being labeled, labeling and researching treatments, I do find comfort in knowing that we are not alone.

Have any of you had to deal with any family illnesses? Do you and your children share them? You and your parents?

Recognizing Triggers

Hello.

My name is Barbara.

And I have an Obsessive-Compulsive Spectrum Disorder called Dermatillomania, better known as Compulsive Skin Picking.

Skin picking as a disorder is new to me. This year was the first that I had ever known there was an actual clinical term for what has always been a part of my life. But then again, when it comes to the DSM, most behaviors fit the etiology of a disorder. This year was also the first that I had decided to do an internet search for information about skin picking. When I'm stressed I go through some really rough patches of skin picking in all of its unconscious glory. I suspect that this disorder has been with me since early childhood. The numerous black spots covering my face in nearly all of my childhood pictures provides the proof. I've always viewed my skin as acne-prone, but the truth is, the black discoloration left over from breakouts probably wouldn't be so promanent if I didn't irritate my skin with picking.

Currently, my ears hurt from the irritations of picking the skin around my piercings. My face hurts from picking breakouts on my forehead. My navel hurts from scratching and picking a spider bite. All sites of irritation have turned black, and will have to undergo a few weeks of treatment with black soap and shea butter in order to fade. And the next time I am extremely stressed out the cycle will repeat itself. I will subconsciously pick my skin, gaining a momentary sense of serenity, and then the pain and shame of the scares created by the cravings of my nervous system. According to BrainPhysics.com, the act of compulsive skin picking is an act of self mutilation, so I guess you can think of dermatillomania in the same terms as cutting.

I am not exactly sure how I am going to pursue treatment for this disorder. It is but a fraction of what ails me, but a contributor to my social anxiety, and is also born of my anxiety. As you can see, when it comes to mental illness/disorders things get complicated. Thus treatment itself is often complicated. So begins the search for an understanding and knowledgable psychiatrist who can provide some great cognitive-behavioral therapy.