Sunday, October 17, 2010

Nights Like This

Last night, I felt it again. That very specific kind of loneliness. That which only a parent knows. We are two weekends in to brand new child care arrangements and I am wondering how many more weekends it will take before I stop missing her in the way that I do. Without the sound of her breathing, the room is too quiet. Without her presence, the entire place is vacant to me. On any other day, when I felt I could use an adult centered break, I'd welcome her visiting with her aunt, or friends, or grandma, but, its something about me being in this new place, and her being absent, that keeps sending me into these depressive episodes.

It was really shocking to me last weekend. These feelings. Where in the hell did such separation anxiety come from? She's 7, and spending time with her aunt, being well taken care of, what the hell is my problem? I called over to my sister in-law's because I needed to hear Emma's voice. I needed to know what she was doing, if she was having fun, and I needed to tell her how much I missed her.

This weekend, I glanced over at her empty bed and wanted to cry. There was nothing within those huge four walls of emptiness to fill my evening with. I called to tell her good night and interupted her adventure. She was fine, I was not. I resorted to reading myself to sleep.

Have you ever experienced emotions so intense?


  1. I thought you would be used to little visits away since she goes with daddy for visits. I guess it's sensitive time:) Hugs

  2. I get that way when the little one goes to grandma's. It passes, but I am totally aware of that empty feeling. It just shows how much we adore our girls. I hope it gets easier.

  3. Reading is a good distraction, Sis. Of course you miss her. I miss Jinho when he leaves for the night too and we still text and call before bed and everything - and that is when he's with my Mama! The person I trust more than anyone else in the world to take care of him. They're our buddies. The ones that understand us the most, the ones that endure the struggle with us. Our little mini ME's that spare us the judgment that the rest of the world casts upon us way too much of the time. So missing her is completely understandable.

    What I try to remember though is something my Mama told me when Jinho was really small..."they need a break from you too". I realized immediately that she was right and even though I miss him like crazy when he goes to visit, I'm better with it now :-)

  4. @ Jewelry Rockstar: She doesn't really do nights away with dad. On the couple of nights she has, I didn't sleep, lol. I have my reasons in that area, but for the most part, I'm usually happy to send her packing, but like you said, its just sensitive time right now. We are all we have in the place that we are in now, and without her, there is a huge emptiness there. I'll get past it though.

    @ Janelle: Yes! Their company is good company =).

    @ Traci: Little buddy is so right! Its like, if she's not here then there is nothing for me to fill my time with, you know. Just straight lonely mode. I'm not smart enough to recognize her absence as an opportunity for rest, lol. Again, maybe if we weren't in such a constant state of newness I'd be able to relax a little more. Watch, when she gets a phone she'll probably have a special ringtone for me so she'll no when to ignore the call, LOL.