Last night, I felt it again. That very specific kind of loneliness. That which only a parent knows. We are two weekends in to brand new child care arrangements and I am wondering how many more weekends it will take before I stop missing her in the way that I do. Without the sound of her breathing, the room is too quiet. Without her presence, the entire place is vacant to me. On any other day, when I felt I could use an adult centered break, I'd welcome her visiting with her aunt, or friends, or grandma, but, its something about me being in this new place, and her being absent, that keeps sending me into these depressive episodes.
It was really shocking to me last weekend. These feelings. Where in the hell did such separation anxiety come from? She's 7, and spending time with her aunt, being well taken care of, what the hell is my problem? I called over to my sister in-law's because I needed to hear Emma's voice. I needed to know what she was doing, if she was having fun, and I needed to tell her how much I missed her.
This weekend, I glanced over at her empty bed and wanted to cry. There was nothing within those huge four walls of emptiness to fill my evening with. I called to tell her good night and interupted her adventure. She was fine, I was not. I resorted to reading myself to sleep.
Have you ever experienced emotions so intense?
Showing posts with label Depressed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depressed. Show all posts
Sunday, October 17, 2010
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