Creative Thinking

What helps to pass a slow day along? Losing yourself in beautiful home decor and cool storage solutions. I've been all about it lately. I spent a couple of hours in Barnes and Noble's magazine section last week. I picked up a couple of mags that have some great inspiration. And today's San Francisco Chronicle featured the familiar designs of Aphrochic. I remember seeing beautiful Aphrochic pillows featured on My Brown Baby.

Currently on the brain: color, space, organization, peace, comfort, vanity, pillows, bins and baskets, flowers, container gardens, command strips, casters, labels, and journaling.

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Self Preservation: Reconnecting

Samsung Vibrant

It was just a matter of time before it had to happen. I just could not possibly go on, in this day and age, flipping a SideKick around. Today, having a SideKick is kind of equivalent to having a Nokia! Its one of those phones that used to be hot, but has now simply seen its days. There is only so much that it can still do in this world of apps. Its been great to me over the years, but as I navigate spaces that are poorly connected, and encounter places beyond my reach, its clear that the SideKick and I have outgrown each other. Enter: Samsung Vibrant. Its a DROID and it surely does kick my old Kick's ass. That whole not being able to blog on the spot because of the weak wifi signal problem I was having? Solved. I can now blog on the go with my Blogger app. No more hustling to print out directions before taking a trip, I can just use my Maps app to get the directions that I need. And it comes with the movie Avatar preloaded, which works when you have a bored kid in the backseat. Compared to what I was working with, this phone rocks, and makes life on the go a bit more convenient.

All a part of my journey toward self preservation. At the end of the day, a business woman needs a business phone. That is what I say to myself when I start rethinking whether I should have made the investment, which really wasn't that big of an investment thanks to smart shopping.

Have you gotten any new toys for yourself lately?

Here Goes Nothin'

The application has been completed.

The documents have been compiled.

Copies have been made.

Money order will be included.

Outcome: an exchange of keys?

We'll see what happens.

Chasing Home

Photo Credit

I wonder how many miles I've put on my car since February. How many hours have I logged while on the grind? Can the amount of shit that I've had to put up with, navigate, and discard really be calculated? As I peer out of Starbucks' picture window, at the wind wrestling through the trees, and the wet pavement on this cool Fall afternoon, I have an abundance of gratitude. The same level of gratitude that I have each time I exit the freeway to find the man or the woman standing there, holding his or her sign, hoping that someone in the line of cars will power down their window and extend an offering. An offering is usually made, and a momentary expression of accomplishment and Thanks comes across the face of the person on the receiving end. The moment ends, and the accomplishment is tucked away to free his or her hands and mind for the next offering.

This is reminiscent of my experience thus far. From house to house, organization to organization, failure to accomplishment, its really hard to focus on what all of those little accomplishments will ultimately add up to in the end, when your sole focus is to be at the right place, at the right time to receive. Well, upon review of all of those little accomplishments, I can now say that I have all of the pieces to the puzzle, and that they are falling into their respective places. The new year will bring with it an end to my homeless journey, and the beginning of the rest of our lives. Steadfast gratitude.

So Far, So Good

Surprisingly, this place has some really good food. I'm always worried when it comes to food. Not necessarily about quantity, but more about taste, likes and dislikes. Emma happens to be a very, very, VERY picky eater. She'll look you dead in your face and let you know that what you've placed in front of her looks and/or smells disgusting; that your mashed potatoes aren't white enough; that your cat fish is NOT fried to the same consistency as granny's; or that she'd just about rather starve than eat... THAT! Can you imagine being at some facility, where the food is being prepared for you each day, without knowing what's gonna be on the menu? So far, so good though. I've only gotten one of the above reactions thus far, and that was to the first night's dinner of tuna casserole. I could completely feel her on that one!

Not only have the breakfast and dinner trays had foods that Emma likes, they've even had some meals that run a close second to grandma's cookin'. Food doesn't get any more comforting than grandma's, Emma will tell you so. There is a part of me that completely misses cooking, I mean, I have yet to have a pork chop come my way, BUT, in a way, this whole 3 meals a day thing is kind of an answer to my Personal Chef prayers.

Feeling Like Home

After loading what I thought we couldn't live without back into my car, we were off to our new living space on Sunday. Based on the description from the organization's website, I knew a little of what to expect, but was kind of blown away by what I saw when I walked through the door. Nestled away on its own floor lies an inviting dorm-like space. Its like a private family loft. A huge living room area with enough space for 5 families to settle in for a movie, a cute little kitchenette, a nice sized kids space with library, toys, tables and chairs, a computer and study room, AND a laundry room. Everything we need all in one space!

And our room?

Well...

Its amazing! We have tons of space for our things, comfy beds - no more sleeping all bunched up on a couch, and our own private bathroom! This place is like heaven for a homeless family. While I am still a little on edge, you know, a bunch of newness all at once with meeting 4 new families and learning the break down of the rules and regulations and getting into new routines, BUT, I see this space, this facility, this opportunity as one that will aid in our recovery from this stage in our lives. The staff have made it clear that they are there to help us as long as we are willing to stay in the fight. I'm ready!

Here's how we've settled into our new space thus far...

This is what my bed looked like on our first night. Borrowed linens ≠ comfort!

But, a new pillow and linens from "home" always will!

Emma's first night included a little more familiarity

And we took it a step further by bringing in the new Princess and the Frog bedding she got for Christmas!

And for her second night... She slept like royalty!

What newness have you taken on this week?

In Baby Squares News...

Slouch hats will be making an appearance very soon. I went on a Michael's haul recently, stocking my yarn supply in various colors, as sort of a trial run, based on colors that have been requested and colors that feel like Fall. With the scorching weather we've been having here in the Bay Area, its been kind of difficult to be excited about hats. Today though, is a leaves on the ground-cool breeze kind of day. I think Fall is finally upon us!

Dispite the bright sun warming my skin, I broke out my skeins and got to work on the new inventory. I was 3 hats in when I decided to show them off to one of my co-workers. She snatched up 2 of the 3, inquired about addition colors for her holiday shopping, and proceeded to tell everyone who was in the office about my work! See why I love this place! I am thrilled about the warm welcome in the work place - merging worlds and getting paid. So, a little delayed virtually, but expect their arrival shortly. Please feel free to leave comments below or email me at babysquares@gmail if you are interested in purchasing!

Moving On... Out

Vintage Skeleton Key Pin Set from Pretty in Peace

My heart temporarily sank when I listened to her message. I had gotten a call back from the woman who would be informing me of the panel's decision of whether or not to induct us into the transitional family. She had said the decision reached was a "yes and no". Huh? What the hell does that mean? Part of me deciphered that as they really really wanted to help us, BUT, for some reason or another we didn't meet the requirements. I've always been met with those feelings after researching or inquiring about a service that is geared toward women with families or women who have been victims of domestic violence. Because I've always fallen short under the law, I can't help but always feel that I will fall short under their definitions. Negative thoughts aside, I eagerly redialed her number.

She told me that we had not been chosen to move forward with their program, however that didn't mean that we hadn't been chosen. There was a mixture of excitement and rue in her voice, so not only was I anxious, but confused. Turns out, we've been accepted into another program, which will be a stepping stone to being accepted into their program. For the homeless, a prerequisite for getting into many housing programs is that you've been referred by a shelter or other shelter-esk facility. Since we've had no prolonged shelter stays, I frequently find myself explaining up and down how the lack of a shelter stay still classifies us as homeless and in need of services from whatever housing agency I am seeking. In a nutshell, this organization has cleverly made arrangements with their sister organization, a shelter, one that I am assuming will not be anxiety inducing so that we can be referred back to them at a later date.

Tomorrow, to the facility we will go, where beds and privacy await us. Unlike the initial program that I applied to, this facility will be free of charge, allowing me to save and prepare for the phases ahead. Let the games begin!

I'm Doin' Me!

Life is too damn short to live unhappily!

Follow Through

I almost feel like I'm being tested. Like they want to see just how much I want their assistance. As if they are judging whether or not I'm really willing to go that extra mile. Of course, it could just be a matter of timing, a matter of the amount of business that can get done in one day - dates and times are more important to me than ever these days. Will they call today? Will they want to move forward with us? Will they deny us access to their collective? I hope not.

Is That a Light?

Its been 8 years since I've had to sit under the radar of a panel of eyes. I felt like I was being interviewed for employment. I get nervous when I have to convince someone why they should like me well enough to let me into their circle, but I tried to remind myself that all I needed to do was be myself. There were a lot of why's, how's, and what's, but I tackled them with complete honesty, and in the end, the panel was able to appreciate that. I'll find out by Tuesday if they appreciated it enough to welcome us. For now, its back to were I started, submerged within my academic community, amongst my academic family. What can I say, its a place that has consumed a big chunk of my life, and one of the only places that always embraces me.

Chasing Transition(al)

I followed through on a transitional housing resource today. Its one that houses single parent families in particular, offering various on-site supportive services, mental health being one of them. It would have been nice to save up during a shelter stay, but the one we stayed in over the weekend was not a good fit for me. While Emma was pretty oblivious to our experience, I wasn't really feeling the twice daily forced bible study and the den-mother-esk woman who kept shouting out HALLELUJAH and shhhhhing every crying, whimpering child in the building. All the talk about death and eternal suffering if one did not drink the Kool-Aid made me wanna cry too. It was kinda nice to be off the couch and in a big bed though.

If all goes well this Thursday, we could have beds of our own soon. Depends on what they decide after our interview. I can't imagine a reason why they wouldn't wanna move forward with us, but we'll see what happens. We need this to come through for us. I don't know how much longer I can survive couch hopin', having our things and mail at various different addresses, invading other people's spaces.... I literally came apart at the seams last week! When I say we really need this opportunity to come through for us, I really mean we need this opportunity to come through for us.

Thinking positive thoughts, thinking positive thoughts...

Still Trying to Figure It Out

Thank you Luna of Nappy Like Yo' Papi and thank you Janelle Monae for asking!

Writing From the Heart

Newness is forthcoming.

The wonderful designer behind the blog Adori Graphics offers free makeovers to folks who are writing for therapy. I put in an order and my time to be re-designed has finally rolled around. I've seen some proofs and I am in love. I'm looking forward to unveiling the finished design soon.

The Time Is Now!

She had had another unexpected inspection that day. She hates when they just pop up without notice, or give a same-day notice that an inspection is imminent. No time to clean (read: no time to hide shit behind other shit), just a forced reaction to authority figures and their clipboards. She's always angry after they leave. Mad that they've seen all that there is to see around here, even though their notes are for the purposes of making things better around here. Embarrassed by a cramped space, again, reactive, throwing things out over there, pointing and yelling about things over here. And when she almost knocked over a glass collector's plate she had been given as a gift, catching it in her hand, and attempting to put it back in its place, she completely lost it. "DAMMIT! You can't get to ANYTHING around here". Apparently, my things were in the way. She snatched a bag of crochet supplies from a larger tote when she grabbed for the tote. With both bags in hand, she slammed them back down to the floor, repositioning them. I thought I was gonna have a panic attack. I couldn't stop the tears.

Then I got caught. My effort to disguise my sniffles, took away from my efforts to wipe away the tears before they fell. Emma noticed my glassy eyes and asked me if I was crying. I told her no. I lied. The anxiety swelled up in my body, and radiated through my left hand like an electrical current. The left side. I am so unkind to the right side of my brain. I took my episode to the shower, were I could cry without being made.

Today, I went out in search of something healthier. I collected some resources on transitional housing, mental health services, and homeless shelters. I printed some affordable housing applications. I fantasized about having a place to think clearly, without the sounds of screaming, fussing, bickering and frustration hammering away at my sanity. I want to be content. I have a job that I enjoy, am excited that Emma is excited about her new school year, I am trying very hard to be happy. Happiness shouldn't have to be this hard to hold on to. Its time to move on.

Its Been a Long Week

I'm exhausted.

Each car ride home from school I find the reflection of my sleeping daughter in my review mirror. Obviously she's pretty exhausted too, although she usually refers to this feeling as boredom. I've started getting up at 6am instead of 6:30am. The extra 30 minutes gets us out the door 20 minutes earlier, and through all the traffic that stands between us and the school. Its a loooong drive. I honestly wish we were closer to the school. Its insane to make an hour drive out of the way just to get your kid to school each morning, but I will continue to do it for as long as I have to, because I have to. My daughter's academic progress is proof that this sacrifice is completely worth it.

On the fluke, I landed another job this week! Two days a week, I'll be paid to snuggle with an adorable 4 month old. This opportunity was very unexpected. I happened to just be in the right place at the right time. Today was our first day. It was a crash course. I took in her cries and her coos, becoming accustomed to exactly what she needed and when. Fortunately, I'm a fast learner. We ended on a beautiful note, and will spend more time together next week.

This makes (paid) job number 3. And the irony is that I'm still broke. I'm coming up on my second paycheck from my office job, which will undoubtedly all go toward bills. Business at Baby Squares is slowly trekking along, and I am not 100% sure when payment for baby will begin. I'm going with the flow though. Slowly but surely.

I Got This!

Well, I've almost survived the entire day of my first official day in the office. That's right, almost, as in I am coming to you straight from my desk, at my new office, surrounded by my office supplies, typing on my computer. I'm owning this moment ya'll =). As I sit here staring into the screen, I am reminding myself that I really do enjoy being bored half way out of my mind underworked as opposed to overworked. There is a lot of down time here, which would have been fabulous back when I was taking classes and had stuff to read and papers to write. I'm content though, since I am still free to read books that no one is making me, and write blog posts... and read blog posts, and check out the latest Facebook status updates, and repeatedly check my email, while saying hello to the few co-workers who peep in throughout the day, and answering the few calls that come through. Life is pretty NON-STRESSFUL here - just what the doctor ordered.

I've been nervous all week about having my first official day here, alone, but I came right in and dived right in. The instructions that I was introduced to during my one-day training were simple and the day's mandatory stuff was accomplished quickly. I was nervous about the phones. So far so good. Requests and inquiries have not been out of the ordinary, I have not had to phone a friend, its been great. With a little under 3 more hours to go in this first work day, I am already looking forward to getting back here tomorrow for the second half of my first weekend!

31 Days of Reflection

33 posts in 31 days. Not bad. Not that I was necessarily trying to set a record, but rather attempting to dedicate a little time to myself within this space. Mission accomplished. I've managed to stop in here, if not once a day, multiple times a day to unload my mind - to reflect on the day's events. Its been a pretty eventful August. I made some decisions, and got some results. I'm keeping with that. I'm still on the grind, still hustlin' - side and otherwise.

Bittersweet

Although I have never been an Idol fan, I became an immediate fan of Fantasia Barrino's after her first album dropped, and I fell in love with her as a human being after learning her life story. I saw so many similarities between her story and my own: young poor single mother, low self esteem, had been sexually assaulted, mistreated by her daughter's father, had a beautiful little girl, and was doing what she could to make life better for herself and her family. The only difference was that, unlike Fantasia, my ticket out of the hood wasn't Idol, but the University of California, Berkeley.

I bought her first two albums, I bought and read her book, and I watched her Lifetime movie repeatedly. I don't think there is anything about this woman that I don't like. I have an appreciation for the underdog, because I am she. I applaud the fact that Fantasia went back and got her diploma, the fact that she has sacrificed for her daughter and her family. I also applaud her for every single accomplishment that she has under her belt, and I was saddened by the news that she attempted suicide. I was saddened mostly because I understood. I was saddened by the reactions of others to the news.

Its always amazing how much people who have never walked a mile in someone's shoes have to say about choices that are made. I have read every reaction from "oh it was a publicity stunt" to "she needs to put "him" behind her and realize that her child needs her". I have to just stop and say that, when it gets down to the point when someone has chosen to take their own life (or attempt to do so), nothing else matters. A person is not thinking about working things out or who will be left behind or what might be different tomorrow. They usually arrive at that point because they have already concluded that things will not work themselves out, the people left behind will be better off without them, and that tomorrow will make no difference because tomorrow will be just like today. I've been there. I could even say that I vacation there. The thoughts, the breakdowns - I think Fantasia herself described it best when she said, "... that one moment of just breaking or feeling like I can't, I can't go on, it's too heavy." That's exactly the point of no return.

There are many people who see this point as an extreme weakness, and it is, its a moment when all control has been lost and the end is crystal clear. There are those who follow through, and those who are afraid to follow through. I think the one comment that always infuriates me, or maybe the couple of areas that people like to focus that most get under my skin have to do with talk of selfishness and talk of children.

Hell yes, to commit or attempt suicide is a selfish act, often the only time that a person feels that they are doing something good for themselves! Why wouldn't someone who is suffering want to end the suffering? Especially when the person feels that they have reached out and have not been heard or that instead of adding to the world they are either taking from it or that everything within them is being taken. So then to provide one's self with "peace" is highly sought after. Its not entirely that a person who attempts or commits suicide is being selfish per se, but rather that s/he is putting self first in an effort to be cured. Nobody wants to admit to experiencing and/or hear about extraordinary pain. The focus is always on being past said pain, never on the work it takes to get through the pain. Always "survivor" driven, but never centered on the recovery process. If recovery isn't allowed, pain can be so excruciating that death seems to be the only way to be freed from it.

I hate when someone says that a person must live because their children need them. Do you really think they don't know that already? The experience isn't about who will be left behind, but about the extreme pain that the person is obviously in. Adding more feelings of failure does NOT help at all! Its much more productive, as a friend, or as someone who is giving advice or words of encouragement to focus solely on the individual, NOT on what their decisions and actions would do to someone else!

Thankfully Fantasia had someone immediately at her side to do that when she woke up. Although I know that pain, I am very glad that she woke up.

First Day on the Job

I sat out early, and arrived about 30 minutes before I was scheduled to start getting to know the office, and my new role. I was welcomed by the woman I will be replacing, and she was delighted to meet another person who loves to be fashionably early. Upon pulling into the parking lot I had no idea what to expect. I was about to enter a high end firm, in a well off city, where I was told that I'd be interacting with those who live in million dollar homes. Exciting and a little unsettling all at the same time. Once behind the doors, I saw that I had nothing to fear. I listened attentively as the current receptionist broke down the front desk duties, I took notes, and asked questions, and little by little I became more comfortable. By the end of the day, she was in my seat, and I was in her's, answering phones, working on the end of day business, and chatting up a storm like we'd been working together for years.

I presented myself like I was comfortable in my own skin, and I think I was received well for it. Keeping in mind that this position has come about via a temp agency, I am choosing to treat it as an opportunity instead of just a gig. Its suppose to be long term, and I want to ensure that it will be. Although today's training was kind of an "everything in one day" kind of deal, I think I have a good understanding of the basics, and I am confident that I will fall right on into the groove of things with a couple of weeks of being on demand. After labor day, I'm on. Until then, I will be reflecting and preparing. A few more pieces to the work wardrobe, follow up with my temp agency and the organization that I have been working with for the last week, and I should be headed in a brand new direction!