Its Been a Long Week

I'm exhausted.

Each car ride home from school I find the reflection of my sleeping daughter in my review mirror. Obviously she's pretty exhausted too, although she usually refers to this feeling as boredom. I've started getting up at 6am instead of 6:30am. The extra 30 minutes gets us out the door 20 minutes earlier, and through all the traffic that stands between us and the school. Its a loooong drive. I honestly wish we were closer to the school. Its insane to make an hour drive out of the way just to get your kid to school each morning, but I will continue to do it for as long as I have to, because I have to. My daughter's academic progress is proof that this sacrifice is completely worth it.

On the fluke, I landed another job this week! Two days a week, I'll be paid to snuggle with an adorable 4 month old. This opportunity was very unexpected. I happened to just be in the right place at the right time. Today was our first day. It was a crash course. I took in her cries and her coos, becoming accustomed to exactly what she needed and when. Fortunately, I'm a fast learner. We ended on a beautiful note, and will spend more time together next week.

This makes (paid) job number 3. And the irony is that I'm still broke. I'm coming up on my second paycheck from my office job, which will undoubtedly all go toward bills. Business at Baby Squares is slowly trekking along, and I am not 100% sure when payment for baby will begin. I'm going with the flow though. Slowly but surely.

I Got This!

Well, I've almost survived the entire day of my first official day in the office. That's right, almost, as in I am coming to you straight from my desk, at my new office, surrounded by my office supplies, typing on my computer. I'm owning this moment ya'll =). As I sit here staring into the screen, I am reminding myself that I really do enjoy being bored half way out of my mind underworked as opposed to overworked. There is a lot of down time here, which would have been fabulous back when I was taking classes and had stuff to read and papers to write. I'm content though, since I am still free to read books that no one is making me, and write blog posts... and read blog posts, and check out the latest Facebook status updates, and repeatedly check my email, while saying hello to the few co-workers who peep in throughout the day, and answering the few calls that come through. Life is pretty NON-STRESSFUL here - just what the doctor ordered.

I've been nervous all week about having my first official day here, alone, but I came right in and dived right in. The instructions that I was introduced to during my one-day training were simple and the day's mandatory stuff was accomplished quickly. I was nervous about the phones. So far so good. Requests and inquiries have not been out of the ordinary, I have not had to phone a friend, its been great. With a little under 3 more hours to go in this first work day, I am already looking forward to getting back here tomorrow for the second half of my first weekend!

First Day on the Job

I sat out early, and arrived about 30 minutes before I was scheduled to start getting to know the office, and my new role. I was welcomed by the woman I will be replacing, and she was delighted to meet another person who loves to be fashionably early. Upon pulling into the parking lot I had no idea what to expect. I was about to enter a high end firm, in a well off city, where I was told that I'd be interacting with those who live in million dollar homes. Exciting and a little unsettling all at the same time. Once behind the doors, I saw that I had nothing to fear. I listened attentively as the current receptionist broke down the front desk duties, I took notes, and asked questions, and little by little I became more comfortable. By the end of the day, she was in my seat, and I was in her's, answering phones, working on the end of day business, and chatting up a storm like we'd been working together for years.

I presented myself like I was comfortable in my own skin, and I think I was received well for it. Keeping in mind that this position has come about via a temp agency, I am choosing to treat it as an opportunity instead of just a gig. Its suppose to be long term, and I want to ensure that it will be. Although today's training was kind of an "everything in one day" kind of deal, I think I have a good understanding of the basics, and I am confident that I will fall right on into the groove of things with a couple of weeks of being on demand. After labor day, I'm on. Until then, I will be reflecting and preparing. A few more pieces to the work wardrobe, follow up with my temp agency and the organization that I have been working with for the last week, and I should be headed in a brand new direction!

A Week In Review

Courtesy of T. Allen-Mercado

- I finished my Job Prep Workshop. Days 4 and 5 rendered some useful information, like, what comes next after this initial step in regaining my footing. I'm proud of myself for not losing momentum. I got a certificate out of the deal, a better understanding of how to sell the skills I have, some tools to help me get the skills I don't have, and the comfort of seeing my support team expand.

- As the workshop was nearing a close on Friday I got the call I was looking for. One from the recruiter with the temp agency I'm registered at. I was supposed to be heading down to their office to sell myself in hopes of being chosen for a receptionist position. Long story short, I was told that I was not chosen, and then called back that evening and told that I in fact had been chosen. Confusion on the part of the recruiter. I spent my Saturday trying to get all of my ducks in a row to be as prepared as possible for today's training. That's right, today is my very first day of work!

- I'm nervous and anxious about what I will be walking into. Its been over 2 years since I've been a part of an office. But that's why training exists, right? At the end of the day, the folks that I will be sharing an office with are just people, who hopefully will not bite as they teach - I will learn.

- I'm just about finished with Emma's school shopping. I started making her neck warmer to go with her beret. I'm considering making a flower attachment to add to her hat. I think that will be extra cute! I got my second haircut since my second big chop. Not exactly a haircut, but just a fresh line to help define my style. Does this mean that I am growing my TWA again? I don't know. I'm rolling as the hair spirits move me. I will be regrowing, I just don't know if that will be right now or come Dec/Jan.

What have you been up to?

Job Prep Workshop: Days 1-3

So far so good. I'm usually not one for a group setting, but I have enjoyed the last 3 days of sitting around a table, collecting packets of paperwork, meeting with the organization's heads, and allowing myself to accept this process. The toughest part is accepting the process, accepting that my ability to lend resources is limited, that instead I am one of the seekers. I'm becoming ok with that. I'm ok with it because, this week, the fact that I am not just a taker has been presented to me. I can see that I give just as much as I take, and when I am in the place that I wish to be, I will be able to give more than I take.

This workshop has really set a good impression of this organization. I feel that I will find what I need there. I've already found a lot already and its only day 3. I'm looking forward to completing the remaining 2 days and moving along in the process.

Lasting impressions:

• Never judge a book by its cover - we have all come to the workshop with different issues, from different backgrounds, looking for different things, yet needing the same things. I have been privileged to share space with a former firefighter, a franchiser, a mathmetician, someone who helped keep our airplanes in flight, an engineer, and a holistic teacher. There are no high horses.

• Hide your button - I'm almost always irritable, I have very little patience and I need my own space for various reasons. On the flip side of that, I'm a loyal and trustworthy friend, I like to smile and be in good company, and I'm a great listener. The latter is the "me" that should be the most visible, and that can be made possible by not allowing every little thing to push my button.

Dedication: My Quest to Stay in the Fight

Next Saturday, I will hit the road by 7:30am.

I will drive 241 miles to take a state exam, in hopes of getting back in the State Personnel Board game. I did the same thing earlier this year. Set out on a journey, in the pouring rain, driving 80 miles with poor visibility, all in hopes of gaining eligibility for one state list. As you can see, this time around is a bit more ambitious. Will the outcome really be worth spending 4+ hours in the car, and 3+ hours in front of a computer being tested? Well, at least the test results will be worth all the trouble since I'll be allowed to use a calculator this time. This little wealth of information hidden in the fine print is what gave me the extra push.

Now, all I have to do is find a vehicle or a really good friend who can help me make the trip!

Wish me luck!

Being Expendable

I wonder what all of this means. What does it all really mean?

Another rejection. It would be nice if the rejection could at least come after the interview. I've never even made it to the interview stage. They don't have to see me in person to know that they don't want me working with their establishment. No matter how much I try to prove myself on paper, its just not enough. How can I be what these people want when I'm not even sure what they are looking for? I illustrate all the ways that I can meet their needs, all the ways that my skills can be beneficial to them, the ways in which I can do the job, and their response is that they went with someone whose skills better fit their needs. Why can't someone just give me a chance? With each rejection I fade more into the background. With each week/month/year that passes, my resume becomes less desirable, less relevant.

Was I really supposed to be working in an office - gaining experience, while going to school full time, raising my daughter on my own, dealing with death consecutively, never making a full recovery from being raped, in and out of depression, already not getting the most out of the education that I was getting? Did others around me do it because they were "only" raising children while doing school and work? Or because they had a boyfriend or husband living at home, bringing in the money, leaving them to focus more on family and academics? Did I not try hard enough? I did try! I did more than just try. I went to work. Sometimes forfeiting my classes and school work to be in the office longer, so I could see more money on my paycheck, to feel like it all was worth it. I felt like I had finally found my "place" when I was in that office. I felt like a contributor. Like I made a difference and was needed. I had made friends, was a part of the pack, or so I thought.

A year passed, and still, I was thinking ahead, about how I could be of service to the company. I was nearing graduation, so then I would be available full time. I was looking at housing closer to work for when it was time to relocate, I was even thinking about how my first love of journalism and my interest in photography could benefit the company. Since "I" was already the Marketing Department, I wanted to apply myself more during showroom travel. Photographing the showroom for the company website, making a suggestion to the CEO and COO that we should become a completely electronic based office where documents were concerned. I never got the chance to make it known that I saw myself as a permanent part of the company. I had started sensing that there was something not quite right with my scheduling. I had tried making myself more available, and would be told that I wasn't needed for the number of hours that I was available, when months earlier, my availability was welcomed. Then the day came. I was asked into the CEO's office, he gave me a speech about no longer being able to afford to keep me (due to the economy), told me I had two weeks, and if I needed a letter for my next job he'd be happy to write me one. There was no farewell party for me, like there had been for a coworker who had left the office. No one said anything. No one emailed me when I didn't return. It was as if I had never even been a part of the company. As if I had never shared anything with the people in that office. It was such a hurtful ending. I'm obviously still affected by it.

And now, as I search for a comfortable, fulfilling office assistant job, I find that companies are looking for people who have all of this experience. Asking a minimum of 2 years, which isn't much to someone who actually has worked for 2 years. My last experience was the longest that I have ever been at any one job. One year and 5 months. I feel like, in every aspect of life, I always come up short. Like, no matter what I do, how hard I may work or fight, I come up short. After everything that I sacrificed to be available for my company, my ass got kicked to the curb, and my time there isn't paying off for me in the way of experience, I still come up short. I'm reminded of that every time I open a new job ad or apply to one.

For anyone who reads this, I already know what you're probably gonna say. "Its the economy." Yeah, I know all about the economy. I'm sick to death of the fucking economy, and being told repeatedly that its the economy. Its worst than being told, its not you, its me. Which brings me to a random thought: What the fuck is Arnold doing making an appearance in a movie? With the state of California, his ass should NOT be on any big screen unless he is gonna be putting the money from the film into the pockets of Californians! AND, its not essentially just the economy. People are getting jobs. I know this because I am friends with some of the people who are getting jobs. So, what the fuck am "I" doing wrong? Perhaps you will suggest that I do more, such as take another class, take a different kind of job - anything that's available, go to a temp agency. Simply put, I'm really doing all that I have the capacity to do. I just really need for things to change. I deserve for things to change. Nobody deserves to invest so much of their time and money into a University, believing that in doing so they have insured a future free of poverty, only to end up homeless, with no possible leads to employment. So many that I know chose to go to grad school because of this very reality. They didn't want to face it. I chose to face it head on, because I desired to work. I needed to work - a change in my routine, a new direction in my life. I've been in a classroom for 21 years straight, I'm fucking tired of that lifestyle! I believed that I would find something.

So what now?

Continue applying for jobs, hoping to be chosen.

Try to think of ways to be more creative in my approach to employers.

Navigate the trap of being over qualified and/or under qualified.

Sharpen my computer skills through online program training.

All while functioning at half capacity, and being extremely depressed.

Early Bird Gets the Worm

After months of applying for jobs, and after nearly 3 months of documenting this process, I finally got a reply. I was beginning to think that, once I hit the send button, my resume and cover letters never reach potential employers, but rather vanish into the abyss of the undesirables. I was excited to see the RE in my inbox. I had applied for a position the night before where I was really hoping to plant myself. Office work. Blocks from my daughter's school. 3 month duration with the possibility of extension. Doable hours and wage. Perfect. Landing this job would have meant, paying down some bills, being available to my daughter before and after school, and ending our homelessness.

I opened the email, it read:

"Thank you for your application.
We have hired someone else for this
position.  Good luck to you in your job search."

My confidence was immediately a little shattered. Here's a position that I was extremely confident that I was well qualified for, wrote a great cover letter to get, painted an accurate picture of how I could be a beneficial fill-in. Yet, I obviously wasn't fast enough. At least that's what I'm going to believe. I absolutely refuse to believe that they went with someone better. I had that, it was mine, and now its gone.

Back to searching, back to applying, back to waiting.

This is What It Feels Like

Photo Credit

I remember back in the day, when I used to team up with my bestfriend. We'd put on our best, hop on the bus, and hit the town plazas, and then the local shopping mall. We were in high school. Things were much simpler then. All we needed to do was return the applications that we'd collected on a previous trip, in the manager's hands if possible, and wait on our call backs. And there were always call backs.

I was a retail girl, an exterior painter, at the same time. I was around 15, and had gotten a summer job painting houses. It was a great job, and I continued for 2 more summers after that. That first summer, I found myself clocking in at 6:30am and clocking out at 9pm. Right after I started my summer job as a painter, I had gotten a call back from the Gap. I didn't want to turn down a regular job just because I had a summer job, so I worked both. I'd paint from 6:30am to 3pm, and work the Baby Gap section and fitting rooms of the Gap from 4:30pm 'til 9pm. I worked at that Gap store, for $6.25 an hour, until the location closed about 8 months later.

And later on, it was Longs Drugs. I worked a mean green smock, and was a lightening fast cashier, who knew her shit, and was comfortable being a good employee, but not comfortable catching 2 buses, taking 2 hours to get home, late at night, in a rough neighborhood. The night I was approached by a man in a car, was the night I had to quit that job. And the day my manager offered to coordinate my schedule with the schedule of a friend who had a car was the day I went back. And the day it became too much for said friend to offer me a ride, I quit for the last time.

I've never not wanted to work. I've never not pulled out all the stops to get a job. But seems like I've always, always had to sacrifice, or be sacrificed when it comes to work. Quit for lack of resources, be laid off due to site closure or site greed, pass on working altogether because my academics and being present for my child had to be put ahead of earning an income.

Its been 8+ years since those high school days, 2 years and 4 months since I was laid off from my last job, and nearly 8 months since I left school. Its a lot less simplistic these days, and the sacrifices are greater. There is more at stake today than there was back then. I am suffering more, and in a multitude of different ways today than I was back then. This current experience, current state of being, is unlike anything I have ever known. Today, the resumes and cover letters have replaced those two paged retail applications, car keys have replaced the typical 31-day youth bus pass, and the call backs have fell completely silent. Yes, the economy, I know. However, I still feel like I am that same high schooler, trying to rise above, trying to be just a little less poor, except this time, I'm not the only one who is hungry.