Healing in Numbers

"When four or five motherless women sit together in a room, however, the camaraderie is nearly instantaneous. Finally, they say. Others who understand... They can detect the subtlest inflection in each other's behaviors, the tiniest insinuation in a gaze, the inaudible frequency of spirit that reveals: You are one of me." - From Hope Edelman's Motherless Daughters

I'll be stepping out next week, to step into a new circle of sisterhood. I'm not sure why it never occurred to me to seek out a Motherless Daughter's support group. In the mist of being the only motherless daughter in my immediate circle, I never considered the fact that I might ever be able to reach out to, and come together with, another woman who came of age under the same circumstances of loss. Such a woman reached out to me last week, and next week I will meet her at my very first Motherless Daughters meetup. I'm looking forward to all of the possibilities that this meetup will bring forth.

Feeling Like Home

After loading what I thought we couldn't live without back into my car, we were off to our new living space on Sunday. Based on the description from the organization's website, I knew a little of what to expect, but was kind of blown away by what I saw when I walked through the door. Nestled away on its own floor lies an inviting dorm-like space. Its like a private family loft. A huge living room area with enough space for 5 families to settle in for a movie, a cute little kitchenette, a nice sized kids space with library, toys, tables and chairs, a computer and study room, AND a laundry room. Everything we need all in one space!

And our room?

Well...

Its amazing! We have tons of space for our things, comfy beds - no more sleeping all bunched up on a couch, and our own private bathroom! This place is like heaven for a homeless family. While I am still a little on edge, you know, a bunch of newness all at once with meeting 4 new families and learning the break down of the rules and regulations and getting into new routines, BUT, I see this space, this facility, this opportunity as one that will aid in our recovery from this stage in our lives. The staff have made it clear that they are there to help us as long as we are willing to stay in the fight. I'm ready!

Here's how we've settled into our new space thus far...

This is what my bed looked like on our first night. Borrowed linens ≠ comfort!

But, a new pillow and linens from "home" always will!

Emma's first night included a little more familiarity

And we took it a step further by bringing in the new Princess and the Frog bedding she got for Christmas!

And for her second night... She slept like royalty!

What newness have you taken on this week?

Moving On... Out

Vintage Skeleton Key Pin Set from Pretty in Peace

My heart temporarily sank when I listened to her message. I had gotten a call back from the woman who would be informing me of the panel's decision of whether or not to induct us into the transitional family. She had said the decision reached was a "yes and no". Huh? What the hell does that mean? Part of me deciphered that as they really really wanted to help us, BUT, for some reason or another we didn't meet the requirements. I've always been met with those feelings after researching or inquiring about a service that is geared toward women with families or women who have been victims of domestic violence. Because I've always fallen short under the law, I can't help but always feel that I will fall short under their definitions. Negative thoughts aside, I eagerly redialed her number.

She told me that we had not been chosen to move forward with their program, however that didn't mean that we hadn't been chosen. There was a mixture of excitement and rue in her voice, so not only was I anxious, but confused. Turns out, we've been accepted into another program, which will be a stepping stone to being accepted into their program. For the homeless, a prerequisite for getting into many housing programs is that you've been referred by a shelter or other shelter-esk facility. Since we've had no prolonged shelter stays, I frequently find myself explaining up and down how the lack of a shelter stay still classifies us as homeless and in need of services from whatever housing agency I am seeking. In a nutshell, this organization has cleverly made arrangements with their sister organization, a shelter, one that I am assuming will not be anxiety inducing so that we can be referred back to them at a later date.

Tomorrow, to the facility we will go, where beds and privacy await us. Unlike the initial program that I applied to, this facility will be free of charge, allowing me to save and prepare for the phases ahead. Let the games begin!

Follow Through

I almost feel like I'm being tested. Like they want to see just how much I want their assistance. As if they are judging whether or not I'm really willing to go that extra mile. Of course, it could just be a matter of timing, a matter of the amount of business that can get done in one day - dates and times are more important to me than ever these days. Will they call today? Will they want to move forward with us? Will they deny us access to their collective? I hope not.

Is That a Light?

Its been 8 years since I've had to sit under the radar of a panel of eyes. I felt like I was being interviewed for employment. I get nervous when I have to convince someone why they should like me well enough to let me into their circle, but I tried to remind myself that all I needed to do was be myself. There were a lot of why's, how's, and what's, but I tackled them with complete honesty, and in the end, the panel was able to appreciate that. I'll find out by Tuesday if they appreciated it enough to welcome us. For now, its back to were I started, submerged within my academic community, amongst my academic family. What can I say, its a place that has consumed a big chunk of my life, and one of the only places that always embraces me.

Chasing Transition(al)

I followed through on a transitional housing resource today. Its one that houses single parent families in particular, offering various on-site supportive services, mental health being one of them. It would have been nice to save up during a shelter stay, but the one we stayed in over the weekend was not a good fit for me. While Emma was pretty oblivious to our experience, I wasn't really feeling the twice daily forced bible study and the den-mother-esk woman who kept shouting out HALLELUJAH and shhhhhing every crying, whimpering child in the building. All the talk about death and eternal suffering if one did not drink the Kool-Aid made me wanna cry too. It was kinda nice to be off the couch and in a big bed though.

If all goes well this Thursday, we could have beds of our own soon. Depends on what they decide after our interview. I can't imagine a reason why they wouldn't wanna move forward with us, but we'll see what happens. We need this to come through for us. I don't know how much longer I can survive couch hopin', having our things and mail at various different addresses, invading other people's spaces.... I literally came apart at the seams last week! When I say we really need this opportunity to come through for us, I really mean we need this opportunity to come through for us.

Thinking positive thoughts, thinking positive thoughts...

Now Taking Applications for the Mental Breakdown Club

Photo Credit

Maybe it'll be a win-win, because, you know, most of the greats were/are mentally disturbed in some form or another...

I've always said that, if I could have chosen my mental illness, I would have chosen to be either bi-polar or schizophrenic. No, really. Once you're able to recognize your manic states and decipher the who's who of the voices in your head and the friends in your circle, productivity and creativity take the forefront. Very few productive or creative moments are bore from depression, and those that are aren't necessarily arrived at organically, but rather dug from deep within. Deep rooted expressions of pain are painfully beautiful. Unfortunately, mental breakdowns are not.

It Takes a Village

I have never visited a gas station as many times in one week as I did this week. It was unprecedented. I think I must have pulled in there once a day, and even twice on one day! By the stroke of pure luck and goodwill, I was able to get Emma to school on Friday. She was tardy, which I hated, especially because she is well known in the office. Not because she's one of the troublemakers, but because she was a frequent late bird last year, and because her and the school's principal are cool like that. They play football during recess. Even as we are beginning a new school year, the office administrator, whom I didn't recognize, knew who Emma was before she even told her. We are aiming for minimal office visits this school year!

Thanks to my approaching first paycheck, and the generosity of one of my mama friends, I am in the process of ensuring that Emma gets to school, each day, on time. Turns out that said mama friend and I hit the road around the same time, which makes carpooling a viable option and offer that we are grateful to accept. We will meet her in a neighboring city and she will transport Emma to school for me, along with her daughter. This will be a tremendous help on days when my money is short. It can be very expensive traveling back and forth on the daily. Thank goodness for the hearts and availability of my Cal parent community!