Somewhere Between Indio and Los Angeles

Is my granddad. Broke down on the side of the road. After repairing two blown out tires, his truck has now overheated. The radiator is completely dry. There isn't a service station in sight, and I am assuming that no other travelers have stopped to assist. His only link to rescue has been grandma and I, over the phone and through the net. We've relayed information for a tow service that will cost him $350. Much more than a single plane ticket for a little old man don't you think? Oh, and did I mention that the $350 doesn't include fixing his busted radiator, that's just the cost of traveling an hour out of their way to bring him an hour closer to home. He wont be joining us tonight for dinner like we thought. Instead, we'll be waiting, wondering and worrying. You know, the usual.

See, you can NOT teach an old dog new tricks!

A Week in Review

Courtesy of T. Allen-Mercado

- With the approaching return home of my granddad, and the impending relocation of my grandparents to their new home in Vegas, my laptop has been in constant use this week. There is a lot to figure out. Generating income, locating a new place to live, carving out a nook to work on and grow my Baby Squares business; and more immediate responsibilities, such as getting Emma prepared for 2nd grade (revisiting math, reading and writing), and putting a wellness plan in place for myself.

- I've applied for a few more jobs since learning that I had not gotten one I was hoping to get. And learned of a few that are available with my county. The application process for county jobs is about 3+ months long, but the salary and benefits are decent, and once you have your foot in the door, you're in.

- I contacted an agency that provides housing assistance, and will be meeting with them on Wednesday. I am hoping that I walk away a little more confident that we will be going to bed under a roof that we can call all our own soon. I'm hoping that I walk away from next week on a new path and out of this damn circle.

- It would be great if, when I check back with my daughter's before and after-school program, they tell me that we've been selected to continue being subsidized. If not, no child care, which means that I will have an even harder time finding work. I am trying to collect all of my positive vibes and send a little in every direction. We need things to work out.

What have you been up to this week?

Recognizing Triggers

Hello.

My name is Barbara.

And I have an Obsessive-Compulsive Spectrum Disorder called Dermatillomania, better known as Compulsive Skin Picking.

Skin picking as a disorder is new to me. This year was the first that I had ever known there was an actual clinical term for what has always been a part of my life. But then again, when it comes to the DSM, most behaviors fit the etiology of a disorder. This year was also the first that I had decided to do an internet search for information about skin picking. When I'm stressed I go through some really rough patches of skin picking in all of its unconscious glory. I suspect that this disorder has been with me since early childhood. The numerous black spots covering my face in nearly all of my childhood pictures provides the proof. I've always viewed my skin as acne-prone, but the truth is, the black discoloration left over from breakouts probably wouldn't be so promanent if I didn't irritate my skin with picking.

Currently, my ears hurt from the irritations of picking the skin around my piercings. My face hurts from picking breakouts on my forehead. My navel hurts from scratching and picking a spider bite. All sites of irritation have turned black, and will have to undergo a few weeks of treatment with black soap and shea butter in order to fade. And the next time I am extremely stressed out the cycle will repeat itself. I will subconsciously pick my skin, gaining a momentary sense of serenity, and then the pain and shame of the scares created by the cravings of my nervous system. According to BrainPhysics.com, the act of compulsive skin picking is an act of self mutilation, so I guess you can think of dermatillomania in the same terms as cutting.

I am not exactly sure how I am going to pursue treatment for this disorder. It is but a fraction of what ails me, but a contributor to my social anxiety, and is also born of my anxiety. As you can see, when it comes to mental illness/disorders things get complicated. Thus treatment itself is often complicated. So begins the search for an understanding and knowledgable psychiatrist who can provide some great cognitive-behavioral therapy.

Early Bird Gets the Worm

After months of applying for jobs, and after nearly 3 months of documenting this process, I finally got a reply. I was beginning to think that, once I hit the send button, my resume and cover letters never reach potential employers, but rather vanish into the abyss of the undesirables. I was excited to see the RE in my inbox. I had applied for a position the night before where I was really hoping to plant myself. Office work. Blocks from my daughter's school. 3 month duration with the possibility of extension. Doable hours and wage. Perfect. Landing this job would have meant, paying down some bills, being available to my daughter before and after school, and ending our homelessness.

I opened the email, it read:

"Thank you for your application.
We have hired someone else for this
position.  Good luck to you in your job search."

My confidence was immediately a little shattered. Here's a position that I was extremely confident that I was well qualified for, wrote a great cover letter to get, painted an accurate picture of how I could be a beneficial fill-in. Yet, I obviously wasn't fast enough. At least that's what I'm going to believe. I absolutely refuse to believe that they went with someone better. I had that, it was mine, and now its gone.

Back to searching, back to applying, back to waiting.

Hair Inspiration for a Hairstyleophile

Youtuber Sera2544's inspirational hair journey

Youtuber ZaharaM2 sharing detangling method for daughter's long, thick length

Its a little easier to forget about the day's stress when you can grab your Macbook, type in a url, and become inspired. I'm convinced that Youtube is one of the greatest inventions ever. I mean, like all thinks based in technology, it has its downfalls when in immature hands, but a focused search can yield some great results. The proof is behind the play buttons!

I saw myself and my daughter in these two videos, and am even more excited about my own natural hair journey after experiencing that of Sera. Her length is amazing, and very attainable. I remember having the same 5 month progress that she had, and I got a glimpse of the length I would have attained in a year's time, and the length that I can attain with a little care and consistancy. I'll be starting the growth process again at the end of the year.

Emma and I had the priviledge of meeting ZaharaM2 and Big Girl at the Summer CURLabration on Saturday. Unfortunately Miss Baby Girl (shown in the video) was unable to attend this time. Hopefully next time. I am looking forward to trying ZaharaM2's detangling method on Emma. We currently spend a lot of time detangling Emma's hair, and there are usually tears at some point throughout the lengthy process. Hopefully a little deep conditioning prep will help us glide through the tangles a bit easier.

This is What It Feels Like

Photo Credit

I remember back in the day, when I used to team up with my bestfriend. We'd put on our best, hop on the bus, and hit the town plazas, and then the local shopping mall. We were in high school. Things were much simpler then. All we needed to do was return the applications that we'd collected on a previous trip, in the manager's hands if possible, and wait on our call backs. And there were always call backs.

I was a retail girl, an exterior painter, at the same time. I was around 15, and had gotten a summer job painting houses. It was a great job, and I continued for 2 more summers after that. That first summer, I found myself clocking in at 6:30am and clocking out at 9pm. Right after I started my summer job as a painter, I had gotten a call back from the Gap. I didn't want to turn down a regular job just because I had a summer job, so I worked both. I'd paint from 6:30am to 3pm, and work the Baby Gap section and fitting rooms of the Gap from 4:30pm 'til 9pm. I worked at that Gap store, for $6.25 an hour, until the location closed about 8 months later.

And later on, it was Longs Drugs. I worked a mean green smock, and was a lightening fast cashier, who knew her shit, and was comfortable being a good employee, but not comfortable catching 2 buses, taking 2 hours to get home, late at night, in a rough neighborhood. The night I was approached by a man in a car, was the night I had to quit that job. And the day my manager offered to coordinate my schedule with the schedule of a friend who had a car was the day I went back. And the day it became too much for said friend to offer me a ride, I quit for the last time.

I've never not wanted to work. I've never not pulled out all the stops to get a job. But seems like I've always, always had to sacrifice, or be sacrificed when it comes to work. Quit for lack of resources, be laid off due to site closure or site greed, pass on working altogether because my academics and being present for my child had to be put ahead of earning an income.

Its been 8+ years since those high school days, 2 years and 4 months since I was laid off from my last job, and nearly 8 months since I left school. Its a lot less simplistic these days, and the sacrifices are greater. There is more at stake today than there was back then. I am suffering more, and in a multitude of different ways today than I was back then. This current experience, current state of being, is unlike anything I have ever known. Today, the resumes and cover letters have replaced those two paged retail applications, car keys have replaced the typical 31-day youth bus pass, and the call backs have fell completely silent. Yes, the economy, I know. However, I still feel like I am that same high schooler, trying to rise above, trying to be just a little less poor, except this time, I'm not the only one who is hungry.

It Was a Real CURLabration!

I'm happy to report that we had an absolute blast at yesterday's Summer CURLabration, put on by Natural Selection.

Jada-inspired 'hawk with a Beads Braids Beyond Ni Hao Kai Lan Banded Bun twist

We met some wonderful naturals, shared a lot of laughs and some hair care advice, showed admiration and appreciation to one another, supported each others' business ventures, exchanged blog and Youtube sites, vowed to see each other at the next meet up, took home some samples and other products to try, and even rode the BART back home together.

Little Miss Personality with Cassadie of Natural Selection

Helping out with the drawing for prizes

Making new friends

I am so glad we had the opportunity to experience all of this, and I can't wait to do it again!