Happy Easter!

Perhaps it has to do with the world wind of a year we've just had, but these days, I've been keeping it very low key. The day before Easter is upon us and I'm not stressing about Easter dresses or Easter dinner. We will be kicking back this year with my grandmother and her delicious cooking. I did grab a few of Emma's favorites for her basket, and made up another for my little brother. I'm sure they will both be thrilled to find what's inside.

I hope that all of you have a very happy holiday weekend with family, and your special family traditions!

The Giving Tree

I had gotten use to being half present in conversations about selecting the perfect tree, dusting off the many boxes of last year's holiday cheer, and of course, the holiday rush.

I had not expected the pint sized tree that was delivered to my desk, or the bag of decorations that was brought with it. The perfect showcase for the beautiful ornament that Emma made for me.

I was not ready for what happened next...

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Well, She Did Ask

According to Emma, I never buy her any toys for birthdays or holidays. I'm guessing she must have forgotten that the majority, if not all, of the boxes marked Emma's Room are toys. I will admit that when it comes to gifts, I'm on the clothes buying end, but I wouldn't say that I never buy her any toys. Video games are toys, right? After a little thought, I'd decided that, given the fact that she has been separated from most of her things for the past 10 months, a few toys this Christmas couldn't hurt.

After looking at the couple of American Doll catalogs that we've gotten in the mail, Emma had added one to her list. Although I'm not a big fan of their baby doll accessories, I thought that maybe the American Doll could be a good investment for her since these dolls lean more toward reflecting the girl herself, rather than playing on that whole "mothering" dynamic. However, after realizing that the choices were really limited when it came to choosing a doll that reflected Emma, and after reading this, I was completely cool on spending my hard earned money with the company. Instead, like many of the other dissatisfied moms out there, I surveyed the dolls that Emma can better relate to. I shared the Journey Girls Taryn Doll with her and she loved her, AND, Taryn is a hell of a lot cheaper than the American Doll.

Word got around my office that a doll was on my daughter's Christmas list and my co-workers presented the idea of gifting one to my daughter to show their appreciation and understand of our situation during this holiday season. I accepted their generosity, and so Miss. Taryn and her 4x4 are on the way!

Journey Girls 18 inch Doll - Taryn

Journey Girls 4x4 Doll Vehicle

This week I spied a cute little drum set at Target that I could not pass up. My girl loves the drums. She is always drumming her little heart out, all over the place, with whatever she can get her hands on that resemble drum sticks. As much as it drives me insane sometimes, I never want to stunt her developing love for the arts, or her creativity, so drums have been an idea I have been playing around with for a while. When I saw the electronic drum pad on sale, and saw that it comes with headphones, hello! I knew it would be the perfect gift for her... And then I made the mistake of stopping in the doll isle.

I think the beautiful dark skinned Barbie in the Barbie Basics collection is such a must have, and since she was on sale, I picked her up. I think Emma will get a kick out of the fact that she has a hairstyle like mine.

Barbie Basics Doll #12

I noticed that Target had another natural Barbie on the shelf too, so I could just leave her behind now could I?

Barbie Red Dress Doll

After making an executive decision to leave the drum set that I had originally gone there for, I made a second executive decision to go back today and pick it up.

First Act 5 Pad Electronic Drums

What can I say, I'm a sucker for my little girl's smile. Which is why I'll also be surprising her with the bike she is expecting, six months early.

What do your kids have on their Christmas List?

Ask and Yee Shall Receive

Photo Credit

I'm probably one of the worst sales people ever. I don't like being one of those people that you hate to see coming. You know the ones. The ones who are shoving their books and products in your hands before your butt even hits the sofa. That's overwhelming, and I definitely can't be the moderator of an overwhelming experience. That relation can make direct selling a delicate dance. You want exposure, you want to let everyone know that you exist, and you want to make sure that they don't forget, all while not sounding like a broken record or having a one track mind.

My approach is much more subtle. I put it out there and wait for things to happen, which isn't always the best option either. Balancing the two is the key to getting products out there without cramping them down folks throats. Even though Baby Squares has been doing very well here at my 9-5, I am still reluctant at times to push, to advertise, to ask. The holidays have given me a reason to get over that. I am being told to push, to advertise, to ask, so why not? By taking that extra step, my business will not be on vacation this holiday season. I'm grateful for that.

Oh Merriment

Photo Credit

"So tonight gotta leave that nine to five upon the shelf,
And just enjoy yourself"
- Michael Jackson

I wasn't going to go.

Even though I was excited to see the email pop up in the inbox. I wasn't going to go. I wasn't going to ask if it was ok for me to go. Since I'm not exactly on the company's payroll, I wasn't sure if the invitation extended to me. My way of keeping a safe distance from this place and these people that I am really, really growing to like. My way of safeguarding myself against that familiar disappoint of thinking that I am a member of the team, only to be reminded otherwise. My very basic way of self sabotage. Apparent because I am the only person that I would be kidding by believing that I did not want to go. I love holiday office parties! I've gotten to hang with my bosses and co-workers in a more relaxed setting, get to know their families, gotten gifts and let's not even get started talking about that nice holiday bonus check, what's not to love about holiday parties?

I wasn't going to go.

But, my co-workers kept coming in, one by one, asking me if I was going, telling me that I should go. And when I asked the office manager if that invitation extended to me, her reply was "of course!" I was glad I went. The glass of wine with management was nice, meeting the husbands and wives was great, and getting Baby Squares orders in the process was the best. A true lesson to self to see every single opportunity, no matter how small, as one that can be beneficial. Lesson learned.

Dear Bigmama

I remember your 76th birthday. It fell on Thanksgiving back then, same as this year, and the year before you left us. I had not yet left you for Cal, had not yet become a mother, and you were not yet fighting. We were all gathered at Mama's house, comforted by the aroma of her soulful cooking, laughing out loud from a collective familial humor, genuinely feeding off of and enjoying the company of each other. Aunt Shalonda and aunt Vicki were there, and so was uncle John. The babies of the family were still babies back then, running around doing their thing, having to be told a time or two to stay out of the way. Those were the days.

You loved to wear your dresses. You were wearing one that day. You had your hair hanging in your signature press 'n curl and a big smile on your face. Plates were non-traditionally being served and reserved between the aunts and granddaddy, and wrapped up to be taken home by uncle. You made your way down the hall behind granddaddy as he had something to show you. It was then that Mama and I made our move. She placed your cake on the table, and I strategically placed a 7 and a 6 on top. Seeing you coming, aunt Vicki met you at the end of the hallway before you could make your entrance back into the party, with both hands cupped over your eyes. I can still hear the two of you. "I can't see!", you blurted out. "Hush woman", she replied in a laugh. She held you steady, until we were ready, and when she lifted her hands, we broke out in song. Happy Birthday to You. This moment forever lives on - when it is on its last breath, I revive the memory via visual media.

I asked Mama for this year's Thanksgiving plan. She said there wasn't one. She said she wasn't feeling it like she used to. Its true. Nothing is like it used to be. You, aunt Vicki and uncle John are no longer with us. I don't think this family has had any celebration like that since you began your fight and lost. I suspect there will be no gathering at Mama's house, or comforting aroma of her cooking because your absence is much too painful for her. To celebrate, would be to acknowledge that which we can not change.

Here's to wishing you were here.

Closed for the Holidays

There is a very big part of me that wishes that the office was open today. Not because its an extremely stimulating place to be. I could have seriously fallen off my chair yesterday, overtaken by sheer boredom. I just simply desire to be there. I'm not thrilled that I will have a day of less pay on my next check. I want it all. This is how it is in the beginning. Completely dedicated to being comfortable in your new role - dedicated to making that new money. Unfortunately I wont be returning until Wednesday, where I will find a slightly different experience. Hopefully weekdays are just as low key as weekends.

This Labor Day, there wont be any grilling or gathering. Holidays haven't been the same for this family since 2005. I actually don't really know what a "real" family holiday is all about. Even when my great-grandmother was the center of family gatherings, they weren't really happy family gatherings. They were more along the lines of, "boy, I can't wait for them to leave" type of gatherings. I've always had the sense that my family is a collection of individual families, who work independently and only come together under circumstances of force or loss. We have never been a cohesive unit, at least not in my lifetime. Its even more evident now as I am planted in the home of my grandmother. All I want is to be away, back to my own.

So, instead of the traditional, I'll be spending the day getting this prepared for the week. Business as usual.