There are three distinctive sounds that run on replay each night: the sound of a motorcycle zooming down the block, the sound of car alarms going off in response to said motorcycle's powerful engine, and the sound of emergency sirens. Of the three, its the sirens that bother me the most.
Its been 7 years since I've lived amongst sirens. They are a reminder of why I said I never wanted to raise my daughter in this kind of environment, however, the people that I share my new community with, are a reminder of everything I loved about where I grew up!
Once you get a taste of what's on the other side of the fence, and you learn that things could be better than what you've lived in/grown up around, its hard to go back to where you came from, especially if you aren't taking resources back with you. Its hard for folks who do have resources to go back to where they came from, for fear of never being able to leave again or being stripped of everything they feel they have worked so hard for. I came into this situation with such a complex. I've been learned how to get past that though, because each day I realize that each time I open my mouth and talk with someone, whether they are in my shoes or not, I am giving back.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Nights Like This
Last night, I felt it again. That very specific kind of loneliness. That which only a parent knows. We are two weekends in to brand new child care arrangements and I am wondering how many more weekends it will take before I stop missing her in the way that I do. Without the sound of her breathing, the room is too quiet. Without her presence, the entire place is vacant to me. On any other day, when I felt I could use an adult centered break, I'd welcome her visiting with her aunt, or friends, or grandma, but, its something about me being in this new place, and her being absent, that keeps sending me into these depressive episodes.
It was really shocking to me last weekend. These feelings. Where in the hell did such separation anxiety come from? She's 7, and spending time with her aunt, being well taken care of, what the hell is my problem? I called over to my sister in-law's because I needed to hear Emma's voice. I needed to know what she was doing, if she was having fun, and I needed to tell her how much I missed her.
This weekend, I glanced over at her empty bed and wanted to cry. There was nothing within those huge four walls of emptiness to fill my evening with. I called to tell her good night and interupted her adventure. She was fine, I was not. I resorted to reading myself to sleep.
Have you ever experienced emotions so intense?
It was really shocking to me last weekend. These feelings. Where in the hell did such separation anxiety come from? She's 7, and spending time with her aunt, being well taken care of, what the hell is my problem? I called over to my sister in-law's because I needed to hear Emma's voice. I needed to know what she was doing, if she was having fun, and I needed to tell her how much I missed her.
This weekend, I glanced over at her empty bed and wanted to cry. There was nothing within those huge four walls of emptiness to fill my evening with. I called to tell her good night and interupted her adventure. She was fine, I was not. I resorted to reading myself to sleep.
Have you ever experienced emotions so intense?
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Memories Rewind: Let Me Take You on an Ice Capade
At the end of a long day, we arrived and pushed the door buzzer. That's the procedure for access to the facility. I imagine there is a monitor perched somewhere atop the double doors that lets the front desk attendant know who is ringing before access is granted. Past the cigarette breakers, through a second set of double doors, we always find a warm "welcome back" from behind the desk. And up the staircase, behind the second secured door buzzer entrance, we now find our 'temporary' new home.
After a day of work, I just wanted to retreat to our room, kick off my heels and climb into bed. No meeting with the case manager, no mandatory chore at 9pm, just me - in bed. Better go snag the computer before Emma does. I decided to head to the study center to check my email before putting my plan into action. As Emma was peering over my shoulder, a voice from around the corner called out, "You guys going to Disney on Ice?" I looked up to find one of the staff standing in the doorway holding a piece of paper. While my expression remained puzzled, Emma answered for the both of us, "Yes! Disney on Ice!" "If you want to go, be downstairs at 6:30." 6:30! But its 6:15! Who just springs an event on someone like that? Wait. I don't wanna go! I just wanna go to bed! Emma on the other hand was delighted with the news. I was still confused. Wait. 6:30 we're supposed to be down stairs? In 15 minutes? How are we getting there? But its a Thursday night...
Fastforward 30 minutes later...
Dressed for the night air, and a 9 block walk, two families and 3 singles headed to the show. I was still a little annoyed that this treat was so impromptu, but the staff person assured us that it was someone else's fault. The facility had been notified of the pending performance 2 days prior to all of us finding out about it. Someone dropped the ball somewhere, but you can't complain too much about free tickets, right?
"How many of you are there?", the ticket keeper for programs asked. "There are 9 of us", our staff person answered. "And how old is that little guy?" referring to the baby in his mother's arms. "He's 1", his mother answered. "Ok, he doesn't need a ticket. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... I'll be right back, don't move. She came back, looked around and took one ticket from some other program's stash. Since we hadn't arrived on time, some of our tickets had been given to other programs who had shown up in larger-than-expected groups. We were handed tickets that were in various sections and told to make it work. Well, ok.
Purses were checked, the stroller was docked, and we were in search of our sections. As we took our seats, I began to feel a little less annoyed. Emma was excited, the show was already in progress, we were surrounded by happy families, life was momentarily good. On cue, Emma remembered the snack stand that we saw on the way in, so I offered to go get her something to munch on during the show. I approached the counter and surveyed the menu. "Can I get a pretzel, aaaaannnndddd, a Pepsi?" "Sure", said the woman behind the counter. "You guys take credit cards, right?", I asked, remembering that I had no cash on me. She told me yes, and rounded up my order. As I whipped out my card, I took a second look at the menu and couldn't quite focus my eyes on the prices. You have GOT to be kidding me! Sooooo... they actually want $5.50 for a $1.69 bottle of soda, and $6! for a bottle of water. This is what I get for not looking at the prices first. I literally stood in awe for a couple of minutes looking at the prices, and holding my card. I finally gave it to the clerk, got my two items that now seemed much less appetizing, and made my way back to our seats.
"Oooooo, Mom, LOOK! Cotton Candy. Please, please can I have some?", Emma exclaimed. "Sorry, I don't have any cash with me. They only take cash." *annoyance resurfaces* After the show, Emma looked at all of the other children playing with their light sticks and repeatedly tried to sway me, as if it were in my control, by telling me how much she needed one because all of her toys are in storage. *cue depression* I felt horrible, and then I felt angry. Who the fuck invites homeless people to something like this! Keeping Emma's drama-queen abilities in mind, I was still sad that she was sad, all because we were let in on this trip with not enough time to stop by a bank. "Ooooo, look at the ears Mom!" Outside the arena gates sat groups of street vendors selling their versions of light sticks and mouse ears. "Light sticks and Mickey ears, $5 each", one vendor called out to the exiting crowd. FUCK! I don't have $5 on me. And then it happened... "Whistles, $3". I remembered that my grandmother had given Emma 'ice cream' money, which I stuck in my purse for safe keeping. "Excuse me, how much did you say the whistles were?", I asked the woman holding the blinking pieces of plastic. "$3". Emma's had exactly three rolled up dollar bills, I handed them to her. She gave them to the woman, and the woman gave her the whistle in return. Watching the exchange was almost like seeing a princess being crowned for the first time. Emma's eyes shined brighter than the colorful lights of her new whistle.
The night was saved from going to shit by a $3 whistle.
This post was written as part of the Making My Mark Memories Rewind Link-up. To participate, click on the link. Participation is open until October 22nd!
After a day of work, I just wanted to retreat to our room, kick off my heels and climb into bed. No meeting with the case manager, no mandatory chore at 9pm, just me - in bed. Better go snag the computer before Emma does. I decided to head to the study center to check my email before putting my plan into action. As Emma was peering over my shoulder, a voice from around the corner called out, "You guys going to Disney on Ice?" I looked up to find one of the staff standing in the doorway holding a piece of paper. While my expression remained puzzled, Emma answered for the both of us, "Yes! Disney on Ice!" "If you want to go, be downstairs at 6:30." 6:30! But its 6:15! Who just springs an event on someone like that? Wait. I don't wanna go! I just wanna go to bed! Emma on the other hand was delighted with the news. I was still confused. Wait. 6:30 we're supposed to be down stairs? In 15 minutes? How are we getting there? But its a Thursday night...
Fastforward 30 minutes later...
Dressed for the night air, and a 9 block walk, two families and 3 singles headed to the show. I was still a little annoyed that this treat was so impromptu, but the staff person assured us that it was someone else's fault. The facility had been notified of the pending performance 2 days prior to all of us finding out about it. Someone dropped the ball somewhere, but you can't complain too much about free tickets, right?
"How many of you are there?", the ticket keeper for programs asked. "There are 9 of us", our staff person answered. "And how old is that little guy?" referring to the baby in his mother's arms. "He's 1", his mother answered. "Ok, he doesn't need a ticket. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... I'll be right back, don't move. She came back, looked around and took one ticket from some other program's stash. Since we hadn't arrived on time, some of our tickets had been given to other programs who had shown up in larger-than-expected groups. We were handed tickets that were in various sections and told to make it work. Well, ok.
Purses were checked, the stroller was docked, and we were in search of our sections. As we took our seats, I began to feel a little less annoyed. Emma was excited, the show was already in progress, we were surrounded by happy families, life was momentarily good. On cue, Emma remembered the snack stand that we saw on the way in, so I offered to go get her something to munch on during the show. I approached the counter and surveyed the menu. "Can I get a pretzel, aaaaannnndddd, a Pepsi?" "Sure", said the woman behind the counter. "You guys take credit cards, right?", I asked, remembering that I had no cash on me. She told me yes, and rounded up my order. As I whipped out my card, I took a second look at the menu and couldn't quite focus my eyes on the prices. You have GOT to be kidding me! Sooooo... they actually want $5.50 for a $1.69 bottle of soda, and $6! for a bottle of water. This is what I get for not looking at the prices first. I literally stood in awe for a couple of minutes looking at the prices, and holding my card. I finally gave it to the clerk, got my two items that now seemed much less appetizing, and made my way back to our seats.
"Oooooo, Mom, LOOK! Cotton Candy. Please, please can I have some?", Emma exclaimed. "Sorry, I don't have any cash with me. They only take cash." *annoyance resurfaces* After the show, Emma looked at all of the other children playing with their light sticks and repeatedly tried to sway me, as if it were in my control, by telling me how much she needed one because all of her toys are in storage. *cue depression* I felt horrible, and then I felt angry. Who the fuck invites homeless people to something like this! Keeping Emma's drama-queen abilities in mind, I was still sad that she was sad, all because we were let in on this trip with not enough time to stop by a bank. "Ooooo, look at the ears Mom!" Outside the arena gates sat groups of street vendors selling their versions of light sticks and mouse ears. "Light sticks and Mickey ears, $5 each", one vendor called out to the exiting crowd. FUCK! I don't have $5 on me. And then it happened... "Whistles, $3". I remembered that my grandmother had given Emma 'ice cream' money, which I stuck in my purse for safe keeping. "Excuse me, how much did you say the whistles were?", I asked the woman holding the blinking pieces of plastic. "$3". Emma's had exactly three rolled up dollar bills, I handed them to her. She gave them to the woman, and the woman gave her the whistle in return. Watching the exchange was almost like seeing a princess being crowned for the first time. Emma's eyes shined brighter than the colorful lights of her new whistle.
The night was saved from going to shit by a $3 whistle.
This post was written as part of the Making My Mark Memories Rewind Link-up. To participate, click on the link. Participation is open until October 22nd!
Open for Business!
That's right! Baby Squares is now open for business via Facebook. Thanks for the informative Jewery Rockstar, you can now purchase Baby Squares exclusives right from the fan page! That means that if you haven't already, you should "like" me there, and then suggest the fan page to all of the ladies on your friend list, especially those with wee ones! Don't the new hats look beautiful in their new home? I'd bet they'd look even more beautiful on YOU! Thus far, Tams by Baby Squares have been hot around my work place. I sold my forth one last week!! My co-workers are getting a head start on their holiday shopping.Yesterday, the sun was shining, and I wanted to take full advantage. After dropping Emma at school, I took a trip down to the local Beauty Supply store to snatch up a wig head and a couple of hair care favs. It was my intention to capture my new hats in the early morning sun, get them uploaded into the storefront, and sit back and watch the magic happen. Due to an impromptu wedding invitation, which quickly turned into an ER visit, I captured the hats in late afternoon sunlight. I was scrambling to beat the sunset, but I'm satisfied with the shots, and so are Baby Squares fans. The place is a buzz! Hopefully the storefront will be a buzz with activity.
Feel free to click on the Baby Squares Facebook Badge in the sidebar to become a fan and get your holiday or personal shop on! Spread the word!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
So Far, So Good
Surprisingly, this place has some really good food. I'm always worried when it comes to food. Not necessarily about quantity, but more about taste, likes and dislikes. Emma happens to be a very, very, VERY picky eater. She'll look you dead in your face and let you know that what you've placed in front of her looks and/or smells disgusting; that your mashed potatoes aren't white enough; that your cat fish is NOT fried to the same consistency as granny's; or that she'd just about rather starve than eat... THAT! Can you imagine being at some facility, where the food is being prepared for you each day, without knowing what's gonna be on the menu? So far, so good though. I've only gotten one of the above reactions thus far, and that was to the first night's dinner of tuna casserole. I could completely feel her on that one!
Not only have the breakfast and dinner trays had foods that Emma likes, they've even had some meals that run a close second to grandma's cookin'. Food doesn't get any more comforting than grandma's, Emma will tell you so. There is a part of me that completely misses cooking, I mean, I have yet to have a pork chop come my way, BUT, in a way, this whole 3 meals a day thing is kind of an answer to my Personal Chef prayers.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Not Again
I really think my grandmother is crazy. I mean, I used to just think she was ambitious. Ambition is admirable. However, the trail of incomplete business plans that have been following her since before the time I began collecting memories, tell me otherwise. This woman has always been selling something. Avon, Mary Kay, Tupperware, Princess House, Watkins, Cookie Lee - it can all be found in her possession. Inventory past handed out at Christmas time, direct selling opportunities revisited time and time again.
On my last visit to her house, I tried really hard to convince myself that the Tupperware boxes in her livingroom were old finds from storage, up until the moment she placed a catalog in my hand. I'm thinking, "what in THEE hell am "I" gonna do with this?" I mean, HELLO! I'm homeless! That means that I wont be stocking a kitchen anytime soon. But that's always the experience at grandma's house. There are very little relaxed visits, and a whole lotta business, business, business! She'll start a business and expect it to take off with minimal physical investment, and when it doesn't she's on to the next "job". I can't even keep up, nor do I want to. I think this is why I have such a hard time pushing my wares. I don't want to be a pusher. I don't wanna be that person that you dread coming in your direction because you know they will try to make you buy something. Up until the time I opened my shop, I had a hard time even asking people to pay me for my handiwork!
I'm glad that I found the confidence to see what I make as valuable enough for monetary gain, and that I have a better business sense than she does, in the way that I know that in order for any business to "take off", there will be a lot of work involved. Work that YOU will have to do yourself.
On my last visit to her house, I tried really hard to convince myself that the Tupperware boxes in her livingroom were old finds from storage, up until the moment she placed a catalog in my hand. I'm thinking, "what in THEE hell am "I" gonna do with this?" I mean, HELLO! I'm homeless! That means that I wont be stocking a kitchen anytime soon. But that's always the experience at grandma's house. There are very little relaxed visits, and a whole lotta business, business, business! She'll start a business and expect it to take off with minimal physical investment, and when it doesn't she's on to the next "job". I can't even keep up, nor do I want to. I think this is why I have such a hard time pushing my wares. I don't want to be a pusher. I don't wanna be that person that you dread coming in your direction because you know they will try to make you buy something. Up until the time I opened my shop, I had a hard time even asking people to pay me for my handiwork!
I'm glad that I found the confidence to see what I make as valuable enough for monetary gain, and that I have a better business sense than she does, in the way that I know that in order for any business to "take off", there will be a lot of work involved. Work that YOU will have to do yourself.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Newness Preview
Chocolate Chip Cookie. Oatmeal Cookie. Mint Cookie.
Berry. Midnight. Forest. Navy. Wine.
The colors above are more representative than the colors in the photo - cell phone camera, BUT, better pictures are in store (I said "preview", remember?), and these babies are now available!!
Take your pick!
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